Stage II to stage IV, or leaping tall buildings in a single bound

Okay, so January 2005 - April 2006 in a nutshell, or a synopsis of the boring timeline/details:

The early days of having melanoma were very confusing. Dealing with all the emotions that come along with a cancer diagnosis on top of having a baby was extremely difficult. Two weeks after my diagnosis, my surgeon performed a wide excision biopsy and sentinel node biopsy. Two weeks later, the results were in, the sentinel nodes were clear, I was at stage II.

I was so relieved. I felt like I'd dodged a bullet. The feeling lasted a few months until, at the end of April, my oncologist called and told me that after further testing, one node had micrometastisis. He asked me if I wanted to go back into the study which had led to the discovery of the miniscule cancer cell in my lymph node. Half of the people in the study would have surgery to remove the remaining nodes in the area (in my case, the groin) and half would have observation.

I agreed and was randomised for surgery. On May 6th 2005 I had 32 nodes removed from my groin. The recovery was hard, I seemed to heal really slowly and developed lymphedema in my right thigh. The nodes came back clear and my doctor told me that I had about a 70% chance of no recurrence.

After all this, I was thrown into a turmoil. I was so terrified and became obsessed with the thought that I might die. I struggled with depression. I tried to research melanoma, but every time I tried, I became even more scared. The more I learned, the more awful it seemed.

I felt as though I had no control over what was happening to me. Other cancers have adjuvant treatments for stage III patients, melanoma doesn't really have anything effective. I asked my oncologist about interferon and he told me that the benefits were so small that he didn't consider it worth putting me through such a brutal regimen. I felt powerless, in limbo, like all I could do was wait and see if I was going to recurr. It's like living with a ticking time bomb inside you only you can't see the countdown.

As it turned out, I didn't have long to wait. In March of 2006 I got what I thought was a stomach flu. Only I never got better from it. I started to experience sharp pains in my left side and around my back and just didnt feel well. Towards the end of April, the pains had got to the point where I couldn't stand it. I couldn't eat, was nauseous and didn't know what to do with myself.

Jim took me to the ER where they did a CT scan. The news wasn't good. Melanoma had metastisised to my liver and they saw a spot on my brain that they weren't sure what it was. A brain MRI determined that it was from a previous head trauma, thank God.

But I was now stage IV. That news was absolutely terrifying. Like nothing else I have ever experienced.

I waited a week to see my oncologist, who confirmed that I had several large tumors in my liver, too many to resect, and one smaller nodule in my spleen. At that point too, I had developed three small subcutaneous tumors that looked like little blue bb's under the skin.

My doctor decided to start me on Temodar, a relatively new chemotherapy drug, which is somewhat less toxic than other chemotherapies and could be taken at home in capsule form.

I just wanted to say that through all of this what helped me most was learning about my condition. If you're reading this and have recently been diagnosed with melanoma or have a loved one diagnosed with melanoma, or any other cancer, you need to do your research. Learn as much about it as you can. Knowledge is power. When you first start out doing web searches on it, you're going to feel overwhelmed and terrified, but, as you continue, you'll start to see a glimmer of something, hope maybe... I don't know. But I DO know that you start to realise that cancer doesn't have to automatically be a death sentence - even stage IV cancer.

Yes, a lot of people die from it. But a lot more survive. The statistics suck. I mean really, they blow hairy donkey balls... but what you have to remember is that many of them are outdated, based on past studies. They're not necessarily applicable for now, with recent advances in treatment and clinical trials available. Survival is going to increase and cancer is going to become a managable disease and one day, they will have that cure.

I just wanted to add too, that another thing which has helped me more than I can say in dealing with my stage IV diagnosis is this website Melanoma Patients Information Page there's an awful lot of information to be found there and the message board is full of very kind, extremely knowledgable people. It's been a great source of comfort, support and encouragement to me, as well as an awesome resource for information. Caregivers are welcome and often have a lot of knowledge and unique perspective to share.

I'll end this missive with the words of Gilda Radner, who sadly did not survive her battle with cancer:

"It's always something"

Stay strong!