Saturday, December 23, 2006

Time to play The Game!!!

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!!

It's all about the game and how you play it.
All about control and if you can take it.
All about your debt and if you can pay it.
It's all about pain and who's gonna make it.


I was mooching about the other night and ended up catching the end of the WWE Monday Night Raw. It was utter crap, of course, but Triple H was on and it reminded me of watching Wrestlemania 21 a couple of years back. The only good thing about the show was that Motorhead performed The Game (Triple H's [then] theme song) live. It was worth sitting through the whole show for that.

Anyway... back in my right mind... (yeah, right)

I'm sleeping again. I can't get enough sleep. It's confusing. I sort of wish my body would make up it's mind... errr... my mind... errr..... well, you know what I mean.

I'd sort of like something in between 'roid rage and catatonia, thanks. Any sort of level ground would feel so wonderful right about now. But maybe this is just how it's going to be. Maybe playing on an uneven playing field is part of my life that I'm going to have to stay used to and expecting things to level out anf give me a break is unrealistic and...weakening.



The older subcutaneous tumor on my butt has got bigger, it looks a bit like a boil, but I'm not even fooling myself that it's not mel. The one I found the other day is elusive, it peeks out through the layers of dimples (thanks decadron!) ocasionally. I have now found another on the back of my left thigh... these things aren't shy about coming forward either. You feel a lump then *BAM* (bit of Emeril there), all of a sudden there's a freaking great tumor sitting there.

This is going to sound strange, but to be honest, I don't really worry too much about sub-q's. I figure that as long as they're coming out in my skin, they're not in another organ. They can be resected, cherry picked, I don't consider them life threatenting. In the time between April and October, aside from the MOALT which didn't want to stop, the only progression I had was a few sub-q's and they seemed to arrest themselves with Temodar. The original ones are the same as they always were. It's only with the brain metastasis and the steroids that these new ones have shown up for the party.

That's not to say that sub-q's aren't something to worry about, of course they are. And when you find a new one, it's pretty terrifying, because it means that yes, mel is still lurking and it gives you this sense that it's totally random, which it is. And it can move so horribly fast. But in my situation, after the initial "OMG" moment, when I remember what I really AM facing, they just seem a bit...I dunno... redundant. Does that make any sense? They're not going to kill me, that job has yet to be decided on between the brain and the liver.

Bastards.

I'll get scans next week and get back in The Game, I guess.

I'm taking my kids out today so that they can buy gifts for Jim and feeling so lucky that I can do so. I was laying in bed thinking about my first week or two of treatment back in Oct/Nov. I was just in bed and going for radiation, taking chemo and thinking that this was it for me. This was going to be the rest of my life. And I was happy with that, because I was glad to be alive. But now I get to do everything a regular mommy does again and I don't ever want to let that go.

I also plan on taking some of that wonder drug, I mentioned in an earlier posting to spike peoples coffee with... Should be fun!



I think I can do it, I'll use the kids as a diversion.

Anyway, having said all of the above, if someone were to offer to take the kids shopping today, I'd be much obliged. Just kidding, the stores are going to be busy, but all the aggressive, frantic people out there have got nothing on a woman with (hopefully rapidly shrinking) brain tumors and 'roid rage. Plus I won't have Jamie, so that'll free me up a bit.

I found this poem and thought I'd add it here.

Meanings...

Standing for what you believe in
regardless of the odds against you
and the pressure that tears at your resistance
means courage

Keeping a smile on your face
when inside you feel like dying
for the sake of supporting others
means strength

Doing more than is expected
to make anothers life more bearable
without uttering a single complaint
means compassion

Helping a friend in need
no matter the time or effort
to the best of your ability
means loyalty

Giving more than you have
and expecting nothing
but nothing in return
means selflessness

Holding your head high
and being the best you know you can be
when life seems to fall apart at your feet
facing each difficulty with confidence
that time will bring you better tomorrows
and never giving up
means confidence

By Anon




There is always hope! Gotta keep on fighting, both physically and emotionally, as Sir Winston Churchill said; If you're going through Hell, keep going!

One thing I wanted to say was thank you to everyone who's been responding to this blog and to those who e-mail me about it... I guess I just never knew there were people like you out there. You guys have no idea the tears I shed at the things you say, it's like having this loving family who I never even met.

Thanks for being here.

Okay, off out to the shops - wish me (or them) luck!

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again, Heather, YOU are the embodiment of what it's all about! ((Okay, you and my daughter who took an underprivileged student out shopping yesterday, lunch, and spent that very big gift: time, with her. We don't want your head to get THAT big!))

I'm staying away from Transit Rd today. I don't want to tangle with any Mom on a shopping mission with kids today! LOL!

What a gift for us to share in your joy of being able to do the normal, crazy things of life. Remind us, remind us, remind us.

Merry, merry Christmas Heather and family! I'm so happy you are feeling well enough to have such a happy, probably chaotic, day. Enjoy!

Love,

CarolA

2:43 PM  
Blogger Carver said...

Dear Heather,

I'm so glad you are able to take your children out to shop for their Dad. I hope it went well. I'm sorry that you're either not sleeping or sleeping too much. I've been sending out vibes for you to stop having to deal with insomnia so now I'll start sending out balanced sleep and awake vibes. Wishing you a peaceful, fun, happy time with your family. Love, Carver

7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather, I like to think that you're putting some Triple H moves on melanoma!

Is it wrong that in spite of everything you're going through and writing about, you make me smile? Where can I buy some of that drug you speak of? I'd like to give some to my boss.

I hope your Christmas was as wonderful as possible, somehow I think it was, you wouldn't have it any other way.

A

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Shelley said...

You should have made fudge laced with that drug and handed it out at the mall. ;) I'd love to have been your accomplice! I'm so glad you got to go out and do the 'mommy stuff'. Your kids are very lucky, how can they possibly really *know* what their mother is dealing with just to buy that time to be with them? I wish I could meet you all.

My vote is for you to take a day off today and let everyone spoil you. Get a bell, and ring it when you need a drink, or a sandwich, or more chocolate. I'm assuming that Jamie is still in diapers, assign a child to diaper duty and another to feeding duty and so on......

Hoping your Christmas was beautiful and that you made wonderful memories. I'm looking forward to reading about it (no pressure there lol, but you have to know how addicted so many of us are to your blog by now)!

Love Shelley

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The wrestling part cracked me up!

But then thinking about it "the game" seems to be extremely appropriate in a way.....You can play it, or it can play you. Nice one, I get it, Heather, I really do.

Like someone said, there are many of us who are now addicted to your blog and in my very humble opinion this posting didn't disappoint. I don't know how you do it, but you get your point across with such clarity and humanity and humor and for me, I almost don't realise how it happens, but suddenly the point has been made.

You are an amazing writer, you lead us exactly where you want us to go, easily, without having to hammer it home every second. It's like a journey where get get to stop and look at the scenery for a while occasionally, before moving on to the final destination. And getting there just gives us (me) this feeling of "yes!".

I get it.

I'm not particularly literary and I'm certainly no book reviwer, but this critique didn't turn out too badly did it? I think you're having an effect on me.

:D

Patiently waiting for your next post.......

Jamie

8:47 AM  
Anonymous bob said...

"Roid rage and catatonia".

Who said a level playing field was anything but boring anyway? You ride the rough with the smooth very well, young lady. You're an inspriation to me and so many others. I want to thank you for the way you share your experiences and for the awareness you've raised about melanoma at another site. My daughter had a mole which I convinced her to get checked because of reading your story on that site. She's going to be fine, because it was caught very early "in situ?". Thanks to you for making us aware. I wish you the best in your fight and send the utmost respect to you for not only your strength in your own battle but your support of others in so many different ways. Yes, word travels.

Bob

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Heather,

I'm a first time reader of your blog (I found the link through a post of yours at another site) and wanted to comment quickly and say thank you for everything you share here. After reading this first page I know that I'm going to have to go to the beginning and read the whole thing!

Thank you again. Your story is so heartbreaking and yet you are so humorous, honest and......human..... I don't have cancer and don't know anyone who does, but I hope that if it ever did touch my life, I'd be able to be half as strong and, or supportive as you.

This is quite a gift you're giving.

Liz.D

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to know ... who won, you or the rude shoppers? (I'm betting on you, of course!)

I love your blog and hope your family had a wonderful holiday!

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This Christmas will be just one of many more holidays filled with wonderful memories. I pray for that for you so strongly.

Warm wishes of hope from me to you and your family.

Anon.

8:30 AM  

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