When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Okay, so I was thinking... This blog is published on a couple of other websites and some people who read it are probably wondering "what in tarnation has all of this twaddle got to do with melanoma?". Well, the name of this blog is Living With Melanoma, and we all know that there's far more to living with cancer than the medical stuff. There's the human aspect, which is just as - if not more so in some ways - important.

But to throw in a bit of medical stuff, I just did my last session of WBR this morning. Melanoma is very resistant to radiation, so I was given the maximum dose of radiation for WBR. I did 22 treatments. The next step is reduced field SRS to two smaller areas for seven days. I'm not sure what happened about number three, because nobody is telling me anything, it's all very low-key and I'm a bit of a mess about it all right now.

I sort of feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just hoping it's not a speeding freight train bearing down on me, you know?

WBR was getting pretty tiring. It's been a challenge getting myself to and from the appointments, I'll be honest with you, especially towards the end of the week, but it's still do-able.

And I'm still so totally happy to be able to get myself around, I thought that part of my life was over. I even held off on my drugs a while yesterday and took the baby out, we just mooched around a couple of stores, but it was such a pleasure. I don't care what I look like, I felt normal.

So, seven more days.

And then I get the rest of my body scanned for the doctors in Rochester and anyone else who's interested. I have no clue at this point what's going to happen. In an ideal world, the MOALT will be at least stable and nothing new will have shown up and I can have the smaller liver mets treated with Novalis in Rochester. Then thinking of a spleen resection and getting the subcutaneous tumors out too.

I'm also willing to listen to what this new radiation guys has to say - assuming that I'm still pretty much stable, he had mentioned that he wanted to take a look at my liver too. Thinking on it though, I sort of prefer Novalis for the one session only deal and no more having to go every day for what seems like forever to get treatment.

But we all know that we don't live in an ideal world - especially not with melanoma, so I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst. And of course, if the worst is what it is, then I'm pretty much screwed as far as IL-2 is concerned because of my brain, as I believe we have to wait and see if there's a response to the radiation before they'll allow me to do IL-2..

So the thoughts go round and round and round.... Blah. I'm sick of it. I want a vacation from all of this cancer stuff. I feel like a broken record.

I read a book a while ago called 50 Essential Things To Do: When the Doctor Says It's Cancer. In it, the author says something that really made me think: Stop "Awful-ising".

That's what I need to do. Right now. Stop Awful-ising.

Maybe it's tiredness from treatment, which gets more pronounced as you go along, I knew that from before. But this needs to stop. If my scans are bad, I'll deal with it once I know. Time is short, why waste it awful-ising when I have no clue that it's going to be bad? So... prepared for the worst and trying not to think about it I am. If the brain thing doesn't work, then at least I had this time, which has been amazing. BUT... I'm still more into that why wouldn't it work? mode....

Confession (and background to where a lot of what I'm saying today is coming from): I had a bit of a meltdown on the radiation table yesterday as they were taking films of my head. I was laying on the table and they kept coming in and measuring me and whispering 'that's not right' and leaving and taking more films. I was there for ages, like 30-40 minutes.

I just started crying like a baby because I thought something was really wrong. They were so kind to me when they realised how upset I was. But I still had another good cry when I got to my car... and, thinking on it, it's probably all part of that darn process I'm always talking about. Sometimes you just have to let go.

Fortunately, I had great support from the awesome folks at MPIP, which got me through. Support is everything. No man (or woman) is an island.



We've been having amazing warm weather here recently, which is about to end tomorrow with snowy snow. Yay! Of course, the neighbours have their Christmas lights up well beforehand, whereas we'll be out there doing it with frozen toes and fingers as usual. Sort of makes coming in for hot chocolate (or Irish coffee for Jim) even more special though!

I'm sort of dreading the driving in the snow, though, the 290 isn't any fun on the best of days!

The picture above was taken at Niagara Falls, on Goat Island. The trees were completely coated with ice, it was so pretty, Winter Wonderland doesn't even begin to describe it. I like the winter. I LOVE being more or less guaranteed a white Christmas every year. The lights just look so much prettier with the snow.

Today I woke up with Wild Horses by U2 going through my head, actually this part...

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?

So that's been echoing in my head since about 3am.

Sort of better than the letter I was mentally composing to my mother at 1:30am.... Haha.

And to finish, a favorite quote:

One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't go in.