Looking Forward

We're heading into my favorite time of year - Fall!

I love everything about it; the shorter days, the crisp mornings, the smell of woodsmoke, the colors in the trees...

Even though I'll be having treatments, I intend to enjoy the season to the fullest. It could very well be my last one.

As we head into Hallowe'en, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, I want to savor every moment, no matter how tired or ill I might feel from the treatments.

This is IT for me. The Last Chance Saloon.

People say things like "life isn't a dress rehersal" and such... but in a way it is. You almost always get a second chance. But from where I'm sitting, there might not be too many more chances to make it count, so I'd better start doing so right now.

This liver tumor is very fast growing, in the last few days alone, I'm starting to have pain from it. I'm so very scared. What if it doesn't respond to the radiation? I know that I'm planning to do IL-2 at some point after the radiation, but what if this thing gets so big in the meantime that it kills me?

I'm scared that death is closer than I think.



I'm sorry to be so depressing, but at this point in my life, all I have left is honesty and I'm laying myself open here. I think it would be wrong of me to pretend to be positive and happy when I'm not. Who would that benefit?

Hopefully this treatment will work and in a few weeks I'll be posting again about hope and someone reading this will find out that, even though the bad times feel like they're going to crush us, it passes.

Having said all that, I don't want anyone to look at me and think that my lack of cheerfulness and positivity stems from weakness. It doesn't. It stems from realism. It stems from knowing the truth of my situation. I'm down to the nitty gritty and fighting tooth and nail, false positive be damned.

And cancer be damned.

I think I have just come to the realisation that I can't do any more than what I'm doing and now we just have to pray that something works.

In the meantime, I plan on enjoying my children and enjoying Fall. I won't let cancer take that away from me.