Monday, November 06, 2006

There are Angels among us.

There really are. And they come from the strangest of places in the most unlikely of forms.

They don't always consist of the people who you'd imagined would be there for you at times like this. It seems to me that they are perfect strangers, who reach out and CARE for no other reason than that they want to.

I have met many such angels recently and I feel so incredibly fortunate.

It's been a bit up and down (understatement) recently. Having deteriorated pretty fast over the past few weeks, it was discovered that I now have mets to the brain, three larger ones and too many small ones to count. My radiation guy started me very aggressively on Temodar (a chemotherapy which has a known radiation response mechanism) and whole brain radiation to attempt to shrink these mets down. Needless to say that last week was... interesting... WBR is not the most refreshing of events, but then, this isn't Club Med and I'm not here to look good (especially not with this bikini line - did I just say that out loud?).

The good news is that I have every reason to believe that this treatment will work, why wouldn't it? Why? I didn't get cancer because I'm special and it's certainly not going to kill me first because I'm special. We all get the same chance of getting the breaks here, there is no bigger plan.

There is hope. Always.

Once we have better control of the brain, the rad/onc will do targeted SRS on the larger brain mets - but that's not all, he's speaking of tackling my liver again after it's all over, then having my sub-q's removed.

He wants remission. He said to me that with illness like this, in order to get better, you have to have good strong oil and good strong water and as far as he's concerned, I have good strong oil. He'll be the water. He sees no point in not being as aggressive as possible with this treatment, he wants remission and I'll take it if I can get it. If I got another year of life, no matter what I had to endure to keep it, I'd take it.

With cancer, you learn to stop living your life in the long spells and begin to learn how to just enjoy the small stuff. The NOW. It's the hardest lesson and one that I think is the most monumentally impossible to do without the benefit of lots and lots of time, and time is what we cancer patients just can't count on.

For the longest time, as you all know, my biggest fear has been leaving my kids. It still is, but something I have learned since this latest setback is that, it's not the letting go that hurts; it's the holding on too tight.

This is probably all over the place, the meds make it hard for me to see straight. I just wanted to say thank you to all my Angels, those who e-mailed me, posted to me here and on Arfcom and MPIP, who sent me thoughts and prayers and best wishes and love and light and interesting packages in the mail, and hope, and who help keep it impossible for me to give up. I don't know how I'll ever respond with what I'm really feeling for all of you, it is so utterly overwhelming.

I hope this will be enough.

Today is another day and for the record, I'm feeling pretty all right. Maybe the radiation is killing those tumors already and my brain is becoming clearer, there's no reason to suspect that it wouldn't. Day 5 today. 9 more sessions of WBR left.

By the way, they told me that my hair is going to be toast, so yesterday I had Jim cut about 10 inches off of it just so that it would feel more comfortable (it's so itchy). Thank God we're heading into hat weather, I'm scared to think what my poor little head will look like without all that curly hair, a taller version of Mini-me perhaps, but more evil...

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ginger (Heather) So glad to see you posting again! Sure miss your updates. I know this has to be so hard for you and your family. I wish we could be there to show our support, to give you hugs and to cry with you. Just remember you have SO many people pulling for you. Wish we could help with this fight of yours. I watched a movie on Lifetime last night: "Why I wore lipstick to my Mastectomy"
Lipstick gave her strength to get thru all of the stuggles. I hope you can find something to focus on to give you strength!

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather, you are nothing short of amazing. As always, your words are insightful, inspiring, and humorous. You sound absolutely clear-headed; so I am going to imagine those tumors shrinking in awe and fear of your brain power. I am especially pleased that you feel okayish for the moment and thrilled that your doctor is pushing to eliminate all mm. I wish you health, happiness, and time. Thank you for today's entry in your blog. Marilyn

11:48 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

So nice to see you posting again Heather-- I'll take all I can get, whenever I can get it because it is YOU that is the inspiration and your personality just oozes thru my computer screen!

Of course, there is ALWAYS hope and thand God your radiation onc knows that and that you are holding onto it too! It is the truth!

A year from now, my hope is that you are raking leaves with your kiddos with your hair blowing in the wind again.

Love ya!

12:29 PM  
Blogger Carver said...

Dear Heather,

I am so glad your doctor is working towards remission. There is always hope, as you said, and it can make such a difference having a doctor who knows that. Your vast spirit, humour and wisdom is shining through your blog as usual. It is so wonderful to read your wise words.

As ever, Carver

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather,
I feel so close to you and you have no idea who I am. I pray for you daily. How do I know you? Well, sadly, my brother passed away in May '05. As he was dying of lung cancer (not from melanoma), I came upon MPIP.

I had just read your posting today when I came upon this beautiful work of art and thought of you. Unfortunately, I don't know how to paste it in here, so instead I will give you the URL and hope you can see it for yourself: Go to
http://www.jerryandmartha.com/yourdailyart/

Then scroll down to see the picture for last Friday, November 3rd. Here's the narrative that goes with the piece of art:

"Ngangkere are traditional healers, they have circles of light around their hands and heads representing their healing power. (Ngangkere, 2004 by Jane Kemarre Doolan, Aboriginal Australia Art Gallery.)

Hmmmm....A circle of healing light around your head--yep, that fills the bill! : )

I send you love straight from my heart. Take care. Peggy H.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather,
So relieved to see you posting again. May you always feel the presence of people reaching out to you and showing that they care .... you deserve angels galore!!

Best wishes,
Erica 11/6

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather,
Looking at your photo, we could be sisters, except unfortunately, I never got the curls.(smile)
Confession, I have been one of the more quieter readers of your blogs for awhile now,, and as I'm sure you've heard it alot recently, I missed you and it's nice to hear from you again.
As I'm sure alike so many others out there, I have also been touched by your words, humour and heart,and your experiences, as they have left huge smiles and tears on my face.
I just wanted to let you know that I am also thinking of you alot and I am rooting for you big-time. Sending you love and strength.
Janette from the Netherlands, stage 111b, dx last year, mother to two, ages 2 and 5yr. metasequoia@tiscali.nl

5:20 AM  
Blogger ruth said...

Heh Heather thanks for the update. I'm in awe of your courage and as always your humour still shines through. Glad you're starting to feel better, can only be good right?! What you said about holding on too tight to the kids. I had never seen it that way but it makes sense. Wow I can only hope one day I'll be as wise as you. I don't mean to worship, as I'm sure thats not what you want, after all you never asked to be here, but you are an angel too, to many of us, for sharing your thoughts. If life was fair you deserve the biggest break. I'm sending you all the will in my heart to get through this rough patch.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

Heather, I'm sorry to hear how hard your last few weeks have been. You are in my thoughts daily. Your Attitude is great and as you know "Attitude is Everythiing"

Remember: Unity is Strength, Knowledge is Power, and Attituded is Everything!

We are with you all the way! Keep Living STRONG!

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God woman you're tough as nails! Its good to see you back on the fight [or at least see what you've been up too].

High Five! Patty

8:31 PM  
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8:35 AM  

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