Friday, November 10, 2006

Finally arrived!!


I got my first spammer! I think that means I've finally arrived on the blogging scene.

I sort of like spammers, they're just dumb enough to make me feel real good about myself even with my impaired mental function. "Nice blog" this one said... Oh thanks, glad you think my brain tumors are nice... It begs the question, I have brain tumors, what's your excuse?

Oyyyyyyyyy......

So... Whole Brain Radiation. Let's talk about that for a bit. Not the technical stuff, because I'm not lucid enough to do that right, but about what it's like.

I know about the possible side-effects. I know that it can lead to memory loss, cognitive issues, hearing problems etc and, well, death. But let's face it, what's the alternative? Don't treat my cancer and then what? Death is a pretty permanent side-effect in any form if you ask me. I'd rather have a chance.

Funnily enough, it's do-able (WBR, not death). I know how scary it sounds, but in retrospect, once again, not a really big deal. I hate to do that to you, sort of want to describe how horrendous it all is and everything. But looking at it, yeah, it's had it's infinitely horrible moments, yet I can't say I wish I wasn't doing this because it's too hard. If you want something badly enough, nothing's too hard.

I mean, my poor little lumpy, burning, sore head is telling it's own story. But is it worse than the itchy, burning chemo foot thing? Nope. My hair is on the fence right now, I'm losing a bit, but nothing major, just being really gentle with it and trying not to scratch. I find myself unable to make a big deal out of this. All you can really do is try to get comfy, put your big girl panties on and suck it up.

I'm having probably more GI issues with this treatment than my liver treatment, and part of that might be the drugs I'm on. I'm losing weight like crazy and simply can't get enough food down me. My doctor had warned me about mouth issues too, from the rads and the meds and yesterday it felt like my mouth was starting to bake a loaf of bread, so Jim got me some Biotene toothpaste and mouthwash last night. I used it one time and the symptoms eased beautifully. Just keeping up with that during the day. Once again; do-able.

I was going to splurge on some Nioxin for my hair, but to be honest, the doctor told me it might be gone in 6-8 days, so I figured that by the time I started using the product, it'd be defunct anyway. Since Jim cut that 10 inches off my hair though, it's so much more comfy and managable and not dropping as fast, day 9 today, so we will see. It's not really important, but has to be mentioned because hair loss is so much a part of being a cancer patient that I'm not going to ignore it. We all have our own methodology of how we deal with it I'm sure. Some people bite the bullet and shave it off, others, like me, hope for the best and nurse it along, I guess.

It's cancer. You do what you have to do to get through this day.

Tomorrow can take care of itself.

Let's face it, cancer is going to screw with your quality of life more than anything you've ever dealt with before. If it's not the stress and anxiety, it's the treatments and the side-effects and trying to find a way to make it all fit so that you can still be you.

By the way, I met more Angels today. People's kindness is astounding, overwhelming... Humbling.

6 Comments:

Blogger Carver said...

Dear Heather,

Your pragmatic, humorous approach to describing going through hell is something else. I hope the side effects will lessen but I love your recognition of the alternative being unacceptable. You are such a remarkable person to continue supporting others while going through so much. You are one tough angel in my book and I think the world of you.

As ever, Carver

8:57 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Heather~
I am in complete admiration of your sincerity, honesty, fiestiness, and unshakable sense of humor through all that you are facing...You are one incredibly tough lady; just wish so much you didn't have to be facing any of this in the first place! Hoping and praying like hell that the WBR kicks melanoma square in the @$$ once and for all! Keeping you in my constant thoughts and wishing you the best of luck.

Shannon

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Heather,

I can't find the words that fit any better than what Carver and Shannon have said.

You are wise beyond your years and your incredible generosity to share and express yourself in this forum, and on MPIP, is beyond description to me.

I think of you often and simply pray and wish the very, very best outcome for you. You are truly one in a million, Heather.

Fondly,

CarolA

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No matter what kind of day I'm having Heather..reading your posts on Arfcom and your thoughts here (now that I've found your blog :) always pick me up and inspire me.
You are an incredible woman and we are very fortunate to count you as a friend.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather, I agree with everyone here. You are such a strong person dealing with this nasty thing. But maybe having cancer makes people strong. I know of so many people that feel the same strength as you. And many have kicked it's a$$ right out the door!
You are always in my thoughts & prayers!

10:06 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

You are my heeeeeeeeeeeeero!

I know, you're not doing anything special. You are just doing what you have to do. You don't want this deal.

But, you're still my hero because you radiate such light and fierceness-- must be that fiery redhead in ya! I love it!

Damn it Heather. Just damn it. Screw this cancer shit.

8:20 PM  

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