Okay, so nobody ever said this wasn't going to suck.
I feel like, if I don't start writing something, I'll never be able to write again. As the days go by, I just feel more and more... numb. I have scans soon, so it's the usual scanxiety, along with not feeling well. I know... call the whaaaambulance. But I don't ... feel well, that is.
Last week I had what seemed like a stomach flu. But it's hanging on. And on. And on... And having melanoma, when we don't feel well, we get a little... antsy.
Trying to keep a grip here and failing miserably to the point where I'm not making the phone calls I need to make to get my scans set up. Part of me just doesn't want to know.
I think what happened to Kim, how quickly she passed has scared me more than I'll ever admit. You can get a bit tired of being brave, you know...? Sometimes... I can't believe I'm about to say this... sometimes you just want it to be over. You want to not have to worry any more. You want the fear and uncertainty to just... stop.
Apparently I'm not in a good place right now.
Heh.
I'll drag myself out of it tomorrow and make those calls, I promise. I know enough to let myself have a bad day if I feel like it lately. Pretending to feel all right can sometimes add to your general crappiness, in my experience.
Okay... whiny rant over.
In other news, we're being forecast with snow tomorrow (to be honest, that's probably not helping). So I'm here trying to get the place winterised waaay too early.
On a positive note though, we finally bought another car, a minivan, and plan on going on a short-ish road trip this weekend to see the fall colors while they're still with us. Something to look forward to indeed.
We're pretty intrepid, the weather doesn't really bother us much. One of my all-time favorite trips was driving down to Pa in a snowstorm to go to a Christmas store. The drive through the Allegheny mountains in the snow was heavenly. We plan on doing it again this year... there's no time to be wasted, carpe diem, or was that hakuna matata...?
Anyway in the spirit of such, this fall and winter are going to be about us going and doing things that I want to go and do. Sounds fantastic to me. I guess I'm pretty lucky.
Okay, back to whining for a sec, because I've thought of something else to whine about. My lack of patience lately. I mean with my kids, I seem to be taking a lot of very deep breaths. I mean, God knows I love them, more than anything, but sometimes it just feels like there isn't enough of me to go around recently. Not to mention I have a headache that just won't go away.
I don't know if I'm still recovering from radiation, or if I'm really sick (I mean REALLY as opposed to just terminally. Ha.), or if I'm depressed, or what. But I'm feeling just a little bit worn out.
Anyway, I'm on it, if it doesn't pass soon, I'll go to the doctor and get some happy pills. Hell, they'll have the added effect of helping me blend in with all the housewives in this area... why not?
By the way and speaking of such, I'm writing this with my 9 y/o daughter right next to me chatting on the phone and making squeaking whirly sounds. That has a lot to do with the fact that this blog is crap.
Coming soon, back by popular demand... My sense of humor!!!
posted by Heather at 2:12 PM
12 Comments:
Hi Heather,
Your sense of humor is shining through in spite of everything.
You probably won't ever know how many people you help with this blog. I for one am astouded by how many times you say what I barely admit to myself, much less allow myself to say or write. It helps so much to read someone with your honesty and humor.
I know you'll make those calls and get the scans too but you have a right to those feelings and personally I think it's healthy that you admit them. I also think it can deflate the worse feelings when we can express them.
I hope that your weedend road trip is great fun. I'm so glad you're doing that.
As ever, Carver
whine away heather! sheesh, anyone who doesn't let it out once in a while, especially in the anonimity of cyberspace is in Denial with a capital D.
carver's right, your fiesty humour does shine through. i know you are tired, who wouldn't be! you have a ton of stress to deal with yet still have to contend with the stupid everyday little things. they should assign us personal assistants/secretaries to take care of all the details when we get cancer! and on top of it all you JUST completed radiation! measily stage 1 breast cancer patients often taken months to recover from the physical exhaustion and internal damage that goes along with radiation! you just had it ploughed at your gut!
give yourself a break hon! i have a feeling everyone around you is in awe about "how well you're keeping it together" except for you. we all see it.
whine, bitch, rant. let it out. it SUCKS! it isn't fair, and no pretending differently is going to make the diff in whether you win or lose this "battle". I hate calling it a battle. sometimes ya just don't want to put on the warrior hat. sometimes ya just want a damn break. i hear ya, and i wish you could have that break too! i wish so badly.
as you know, i am all for happy pills. just like i won't suffer thru a headache, i will freely self-medicate to make getting thru this stuff easier. it isn't about being weak or strong, it is about my enjoyment of life. just my 2 cents. i'm not a junkie, i just accept that anti-depressants are useful and that anti-anxiety can make me care free for a little while when i need that "break".
hugs
sarah
How's the spirits today? I know you get tired of hearing the key to beating this is good spirits [difficult to keep while having liquid plumber pumped through your system].
Patty
I'm Anonymous cuz I can't remember my fricken password!!! [banghead]
Heather,
I've been reading your blog for a month now. I'm also a lurker on the mpip, so I've read your posts there as well.
Let me start by saying that you are a courageous, honest, funny, and insightful woman. You really seem to 'hit the nail on the head' in your posts. I enjoy reading them.
I have also been diagnosed with melanoma. But reading your blog, and the blogs of others with melanoma, (most of whom have disease more advanced than my own), has really helped me put everything into perspective. Thank you for that.
By the way.....it's been almost 10 days since your last post, and a few of us are starting to get a little concerned....
Heather, I hope you are doing okay. I enjoy reading your posts, and my heart breaks for what you are going through. You might not think you are brave, but your strength shines through.
I am worried that you haven't posted for some time - I hope you are okay and just taking a rest.
Hey girl! We're all a little worried about you over at Arfcom too! Haven't heard from you for awhile and we're hoping that stomach thing has gotten better.
Drop in and let us know how the battle is going... in the meantime, kiss those kids and the hubby and know that we love you and we're still praying for you!
Love, love, love,
Melanie in Vegas
(yeah, I know I'm anonymous right now...)
Hi Heather,
Today is 10/27 and so it has been over 2 weeks since you last posted. I hope so much that you are doing okay.
You have touched so many people through your blog that you're now stuck with us caring and worrying about you..... sorry, but that is the way it works! :)
Hope you'll write as soon as you are able and ready.
Heather (Ginger) we all miss you! Praying you are ok!!
You can whine anytime you want...your blogs are more than that, though. They are the essence of humanity.
Hope you are feeling better and doing ok. Sending prayers :-)
-buttercupp, another anonymous goof from arfcom :-D
I read your post on arfcom, so sorry you're not feeling good. How dare those tumors show their ugly face!! Don't they know they don't have a chance in hell of getting to you! You have all of our love and support from around the country. We will be your strength and your support!!!!!
Idette
(ms_embroidery)
For those who don't frequent Arfcom, Heather has been diagnosed with mutiple brain metastasis, and has been undergoing treatment for the same. She has just completed another cycle of Temodar and is concurrently being treated with radiation by a reknowned pioneer in radiology here in WNY.
She is in good hands and I'm sure she'll post just as soon as she is able, but she's on lots of meds right now to reduce the inflammation and to mask the pain. She is in very good spirits despite her discomfort and feels that the radiation is working already.
We thank everyone for your support and will respond as soon as possible. Those with our phone number: please feel free to call. Prayers are welcome.
Jim
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