Acceptance?
We must learn to let go of the life that we had planned in order to accept the life that is waiting for us.
I think that's where I'm headed.
I was thinking about the five stages of grief this morning. Because when you're given a cancer diagnosis, there is a very similar process going on within you. You are quite simply grieving for yourself, for the person you're never going to be again. I think it's only once you gain acceptance that you finally realise the person you have become because of the disease.
Denial for me would have been the time between my WEB/SNB and finding out that there was lymph node involvement after all, that period of time between making the jump from stage II to stage III.
Anger came straight after my diagnosis and kept putting in an appearance at different stages, almost punctuating my emotions.
Bargaining... heh... Stage III was filled with passive depression and bargaining with God to just let me be one of the lucky ones.
Depression has been a constant companion on this journey. As we know, cancer patients are three times more likely to experience depression than anyone else. My depression was interspersed with periods of almost euphoric optimism.
Acceptance... I'm at the point now where I am beginning to understand that no matter how much I rail at the injustice, the horror of me having cancer, it's not going to make any difference. I think I might finally be reaching acceptance, which is not to be confused with resignation. I will never be resigned to this. EVER. I will fight until my last breath. But I think acceptance will bring with it much-needed peace.
I think that in order to focus on the fight I need to let go of everything else, because the fear and the worry feels like it's going to kill me.
They say "Let go and let God".
I'm not quite there yet, as God and I aren't communicating too well right now, but I DO realise that the best I can do is to prepare for the worst and then, secure in the knowledge that I have done so, just let go and get on with the business of fighting back.
Just tell me how, as a mother, you can ever let go of worrying about your children.
That's the hardest part of all this.
I think that's where I'm headed.
I was thinking about the five stages of grief this morning. Because when you're given a cancer diagnosis, there is a very similar process going on within you. You are quite simply grieving for yourself, for the person you're never going to be again. I think it's only once you gain acceptance that you finally realise the person you have become because of the disease.
- Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
- Anger (why is this happening to me?)
- Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if... please God)
- Depression (I don't care anymore - or in my case, melanoma can kiss my ass)
- Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Denial for me would have been the time between my WEB/SNB and finding out that there was lymph node involvement after all, that period of time between making the jump from stage II to stage III.
Anger came straight after my diagnosis and kept putting in an appearance at different stages, almost punctuating my emotions.
Bargaining... heh... Stage III was filled with passive depression and bargaining with God to just let me be one of the lucky ones.
Depression has been a constant companion on this journey. As we know, cancer patients are three times more likely to experience depression than anyone else. My depression was interspersed with periods of almost euphoric optimism.
Acceptance... I'm at the point now where I am beginning to understand that no matter how much I rail at the injustice, the horror of me having cancer, it's not going to make any difference. I think I might finally be reaching acceptance, which is not to be confused with resignation. I will never be resigned to this. EVER. I will fight until my last breath. But I think acceptance will bring with it much-needed peace.
I think that in order to focus on the fight I need to let go of everything else, because the fear and the worry feels like it's going to kill me.
They say "Let go and let God".
I'm not quite there yet, as God and I aren't communicating too well right now, but I DO realise that the best I can do is to prepare for the worst and then, secure in the knowledge that I have done so, just let go and get on with the business of fighting back.
Just tell me how, as a mother, you can ever let go of worrying about your children.
That's the hardest part of all this.
posted by Heather at 9:40 AM
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