Beware! Not for the easily offended!

I don't know where to start today, my mind is whirling. I figured that if I just start writing, something will come. That's how I write creatively, so maybe it'll work for blogging too.

It's been hectic, I got the kids registered for school, so all I have to do now is buy clothes and supplies, that's easy.



Today is day 5 of radiation treatment. I guess I'm lucky in a way because the type of treatment I'm having isn't the 30 rounds type. With me, it's closely targeted and they're giving it the maximum dose they can each time up to the prescribed dose, which will take only 14 treatments. They think that this aggressive approach will work well with melanoma because of the way it grows.

I just wanted to talk about the treatment a bit, in case anyone reads this who might not have considered radiation as a treatment or who has considered it, but is nervous or scared of it.

It's fine.

I'm having the 11cm MOALT radiated and so far, I'm just a bit more tired at night and also, when I get into bed at night, my stomach hurts a bit, like I've been hit. No nausea or anything.

I asked them yesterday if there was anything coming out of the machine as I was feeling too well. They laughed at me, but said that some people just don't get bad side effects. I might still get them, but will take feeling good while I can.



In other news, there's a big bru-ha-ha about the new gene therapy at NIH. It's worth looking into, not everyone responds, but someone's got to be one of the ones who do, so why not me. Assuming I can get in that is.

I'm still planning IL-2 as my next step, assuming also, that I don't have any brain mets lurking. Scary thought.

I think I may have a new subcutaneous lesion, but I'm not sure, I'm just watching that spot to see if anything materialises. It's funny, at one time I'd have panicked about it, but now only stress about the actual life-threatening tumors. I'm not even stressed about my other three small liver tumors because I know that failing all else, I can zap them with Novalis. Just the MOALT... that's my Goliath right now...



I'm aware that I might have pissed some people off with my comments regarding God and faith in a previous post...

I'm sorry about that.

But you have to realise that this is happening to ME and I'm allowed to feel however I want to feel about it. Anyone who thinks I'm a bad person for questioning my faith I will say one thing; when you have an 11cm tumor in your liver that's going to kill you imminently unless you can somehow - by some miracle - stop it, you can get back to me on that one. Deal?

Cool.

On the subject of religion... Am I the only one who gets sick of hearing about God's will and how some are spared because of it? How can someone say something like that? That God thinks of one person as more worthy somehow than another and saves them while letting another die?

Comments like that are like a slap in the face for people who have lost someone they love to cancer, to children who have lost their mommy or daddy.

It's utter bullshit.

There is no big plan involved here. Some people get cancer, some survive, some don't. The ones who don't are no less of a loss, no less worthy of life than the ones who do.

The next person I see saying crap like that I'm going to metaphorically bitch slap them mercilessly. (Well.... maybe not, maybe just mentally. With mental being the operative word. Hah!)

Can you tell it pisses me off? (LOL)

And again, I'm sorry. Because I know that I'm inadvertantly going to offend some people by saying that and it's really not my intention. But you know what? Get over it, because I am offended by the suggestion that some are more worthy of being 'saved' than others. It evens out.

If this IS all part of God's plan, I've gotta tell you, I don't think much of His planning skillz. I think I'll follow my own plan, thanks.

What's my plan? I hear you ask...

To survive, of course.



I apologise for seeming a little strident today, I've just read more of that type of comment than usual today and felt like venting.

It's my blog and I can vent if I want to, vent if I want to, VENT IF I WANT TO!!!!

What? Oh... sorry... I realise I can't sing, you can remove your ear plugs now... *embarrassed*



So to celebrate the first week of radiation under our belts, Jim and I are going to stay in Rochester and have dinner this evening. It'll be nice to just sit and relax...

It's amazing how, when you have cancer, even the little things are special. Yesterday I came out of the cancer center - Jim had stayed out in the car, he takes a combat nap while I'm in there - and he wasn't there. So I sat on the bench outside and waited for him. The sun was shining and it was cool and breezy. I just enjoyed the fresh air and simply BEING. I have lots of moments like that...

Jim came back, he'd gone to look for a vending machine to get a soda, the machine ate his money and then he got lost trying to get out of the place. A nice lady helped him and once outside, he told her, "I have no business going in there and will never do it again". I could see her laughing from right across the parking lot.

Now that I have vented my spleen (while I still have one!) I'll leave you with this thought:

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.