Melanoma is a big old poopy head.
The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.
It's been quite a week. Brain farts abounded. To start with, I accidentally deleted a post, which as anyone who uses this format knows isn't easy to do by accident.
I put the baby down for a nap the other day, went downstairs to do some laundry and then started panicking because I didn't know where he was.
I missed the practice run for my radiation treatments on Wednesday. The card I had said the 28th, but then, the 8 could have been a 3... I just blamed them and don't feel bad about it, I'll expand on that further in a minute.
I sat and wrote a long update on Friday morning, then Firefox quit and I lost it all.
That sort of week.
Do you get that I've been freaking out? Does it show?
Freaking out for obvious reasons; the MOALT (mother of all liver tumors), the treatment - I'm scared of the side effects, scared that it won't work and just stressed out in general.
There's also the small matter of my car failing inspection and waiting to be fixed, but Jim having no time to fix it because he's going to be driving me to Rochester every night for the next few weeks.
I haven't registered the kids for school yet. Haven't been able to go anywhere. In the scheme of things, it's not the most pressing matter - that would be staying alive - I can always homeschool for a year.
I try not to sweat the small stuff, but the thing is, the small stuff combines to make a big thing and I DO sweat the big things.
So anyway, I ended up going for the practice run thing on Friday. They asked me if I could get there for 5:30, I told them I'd try, but would definitely be there for 5:45, which was my scheduled time.
Bear in mind that it's 60+ miles away through rush hour traffic on the I-90 on a Friday afternoon. We arrived at 5:40, which I thought was pretty good as we'd left as soon as Jim got home at 4:20...
I walked into the place and the tech pounced on me:
Her: Did you request the 5:45 appointment? Do you work? (but very strident)
Me: Yes (well, Jim does), and I have to come from Buffalo.
Her: Well are you going to be able to make it on time?
Me: Well I'm here now aren't I? And five minutes early... (this is accompanied by 'the look', believe it or not I can be a bit intimidating when I want to)
Her: (backing down a bit) We were expecting you earlier.
Me: (trying not to lose my patience) I did say that I'd try for 5:30, but that I'd definitely make 5:45.
Her: Well as it's the last appointment of the day, we don't have a very big window.
Me: Why do you need a window? Are you planning on jumping?
Her: *Blank look*
#2 Tech: You have to be on time, we don't have a big window at this time of day.
Me: *rolling my eyes* You mean like I was 5 minutes early today? Don't worry about it, I'll be here.
What I think is this: Last week was their first week of working until 6pm. And I don't think they want to. When we were trying to schedule the appointments, there was some reluctance to give me the last slot of the day. They called in the social worker and everything - it's okay, she left not knowing whether she'd been snake bitten, shot, powder burned or f- oh never mind...- They then tried to tell me that they'd already given it to someone else. Then Jim insisted and they supposedly called the lady who agreed to take an ealier appointment. But I think they just didn't want to do it.
Tough shit.
This is what we're doing and they need to get over it. I think I made myself clear on Friday. The stupid thing is, even with all their idiotic shrieking, I was out of there by 5:50.
*Insert pic of me pulling retarded face here*
They really do need to get over it. I was wondering, do they not realise that they're dealing with people who are in a very bad situation? Do they not realise that a little bit of compassion goes a long way?
Bottom line; this is what we're doing and if I AM late a couple of times, they're just going to have to get over it. A few minutes out of their lives to save mine seems like a fair trade, it's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned.
So anyway, that was that.
In other news, my pre-pregnancy jeans finally fit. I don't think I'm losing weight because of the malignancy, I think it's my diet change and it's been slow. I've cut out sugar completely, because melanoma likes glucose. I'm sort of following a similar diet to the one I was on when I had gestational diabetes, but have also cut out a large portion of the fat. I'm eating loads of veggies, not so much fruit and making sure I keep my protein intake up.
I didn't feel well last week - I know... the whaaambulance is on it's way - I think it was probably stress. The dumb thing is, as soon as I put those jeans on, I felt like a million bucks. It was such a psychological boost.
The thing with the stupid techs did me good too, because it made me angry. Anger is good. I feed off of anger. It is a great motivator for me. If something seems insurmountable, I'll make it work out of sheer bloddy mindedness, if you tell me it can't be done, I'll do it just to spite you. Passivity always leads to depression for me. So I'm angry. Angry at the stupid techs (or STs as they will now be abbreviated to), angry at melanoma and just pissed off in general, but in a positive way.
And yes, I am probably insane... aren't we all?
I was thinking about courage the other day. And here's the thing: I don't think that courage lies in pretending to have a positive attitude so that people think you're terribly brave. I think courage lies in being deathly afraid and doing it anyway.
A friend of mine, a former British Army Special Forces solider once told me when I asked the question about fear, courage and bravery; "Don't think that I never got scared. Of course I did. But you have to stay focused, you learn to control it, to channel the adrenaline it creates into aggression. So it helps you fight. Fear doesn't have to be a hindrance as long as you don't let it paralyse you. Rather than letting it control you, you control IT and use it to your advantage."
I still maintain that he and his kind are among the bravest people on the planet. But he has too much humility to admit that...
So this is what I think; It's all right for me to be as scared as I am. I think I'd be stupid not to be. As long as I stay focused on the task at hand, it doesn't matter how many processes I go through, as long as that focus never wavers, as long as I keep the end result in sight.
To give myself credit here, I think it took a certain amount of balls to stand up to my doctor, an alleged melanoma ex-spurt, and tell him that I wasn't going to do the treatment he'd decided on. I've looked outside the box and, for better or for worse, I'm doing it my way. And I'm not looking back, there are no 'what ifs'. This is what we're doing, on the offchance that it doesn't work, I have Plan B. That's as good as it gets, folks.
So...
Monday, 5:45, Rochester, Radiation Oncology Dept. Be there or be square.
It's been quite a week. Brain farts abounded. To start with, I accidentally deleted a post, which as anyone who uses this format knows isn't easy to do by accident.
I put the baby down for a nap the other day, went downstairs to do some laundry and then started panicking because I didn't know where he was.
I missed the practice run for my radiation treatments on Wednesday. The card I had said the 28th, but then, the 8 could have been a 3... I just blamed them and don't feel bad about it, I'll expand on that further in a minute.
I sat and wrote a long update on Friday morning, then Firefox quit and I lost it all.
That sort of week.
Do you get that I've been freaking out? Does it show?
Freaking out for obvious reasons; the MOALT (mother of all liver tumors), the treatment - I'm scared of the side effects, scared that it won't work and just stressed out in general.
There's also the small matter of my car failing inspection and waiting to be fixed, but Jim having no time to fix it because he's going to be driving me to Rochester every night for the next few weeks.
I haven't registered the kids for school yet. Haven't been able to go anywhere. In the scheme of things, it's not the most pressing matter - that would be staying alive - I can always homeschool for a year.
I try not to sweat the small stuff, but the thing is, the small stuff combines to make a big thing and I DO sweat the big things.
So anyway, I ended up going for the practice run thing on Friday. They asked me if I could get there for 5:30, I told them I'd try, but would definitely be there for 5:45, which was my scheduled time.
Bear in mind that it's 60+ miles away through rush hour traffic on the I-90 on a Friday afternoon. We arrived at 5:40, which I thought was pretty good as we'd left as soon as Jim got home at 4:20...
I walked into the place and the tech pounced on me:
Her: Did you request the 5:45 appointment? Do you work? (but very strident)
Me: Yes (well, Jim does), and I have to come from Buffalo.
Her: Well are you going to be able to make it on time?
Me: Well I'm here now aren't I? And five minutes early... (this is accompanied by 'the look', believe it or not I can be a bit intimidating when I want to)
Her: (backing down a bit) We were expecting you earlier.
Me: (trying not to lose my patience) I did say that I'd try for 5:30, but that I'd definitely make 5:45.
Her: Well as it's the last appointment of the day, we don't have a very big window.
Me: Why do you need a window? Are you planning on jumping?
Her: *Blank look*
#2 Tech: You have to be on time, we don't have a big window at this time of day.
Me: *rolling my eyes* You mean like I was 5 minutes early today? Don't worry about it, I'll be here.
What I think is this: Last week was their first week of working until 6pm. And I don't think they want to. When we were trying to schedule the appointments, there was some reluctance to give me the last slot of the day. They called in the social worker and everything - it's okay, she left not knowing whether she'd been snake bitten, shot, powder burned or f- oh never mind...- They then tried to tell me that they'd already given it to someone else. Then Jim insisted and they supposedly called the lady who agreed to take an ealier appointment. But I think they just didn't want to do it.
Tough shit.
This is what we're doing and they need to get over it. I think I made myself clear on Friday. The stupid thing is, even with all their idiotic shrieking, I was out of there by 5:50.
*Insert pic of me pulling retarded face here*
They really do need to get over it. I was wondering, do they not realise that they're dealing with people who are in a very bad situation? Do they not realise that a little bit of compassion goes a long way?
Bottom line; this is what we're doing and if I AM late a couple of times, they're just going to have to get over it. A few minutes out of their lives to save mine seems like a fair trade, it's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned.
So anyway, that was that.
In other news, my pre-pregnancy jeans finally fit. I don't think I'm losing weight because of the malignancy, I think it's my diet change and it's been slow. I've cut out sugar completely, because melanoma likes glucose. I'm sort of following a similar diet to the one I was on when I had gestational diabetes, but have also cut out a large portion of the fat. I'm eating loads of veggies, not so much fruit and making sure I keep my protein intake up.
I didn't feel well last week - I know... the whaaambulance is on it's way - I think it was probably stress. The dumb thing is, as soon as I put those jeans on, I felt like a million bucks. It was such a psychological boost.
The thing with the stupid techs did me good too, because it made me angry. Anger is good. I feed off of anger. It is a great motivator for me. If something seems insurmountable, I'll make it work out of sheer bloddy mindedness, if you tell me it can't be done, I'll do it just to spite you. Passivity always leads to depression for me. So I'm angry. Angry at the stupid techs (or STs as they will now be abbreviated to), angry at melanoma and just pissed off in general, but in a positive way.
And yes, I am probably insane... aren't we all?
I was thinking about courage the other day. And here's the thing: I don't think that courage lies in pretending to have a positive attitude so that people think you're terribly brave. I think courage lies in being deathly afraid and doing it anyway.
A friend of mine, a former British Army Special Forces solider once told me when I asked the question about fear, courage and bravery; "Don't think that I never got scared. Of course I did. But you have to stay focused, you learn to control it, to channel the adrenaline it creates into aggression. So it helps you fight. Fear doesn't have to be a hindrance as long as you don't let it paralyse you. Rather than letting it control you, you control IT and use it to your advantage."
I still maintain that he and his kind are among the bravest people on the planet. But he has too much humility to admit that...
So this is what I think; It's all right for me to be as scared as I am. I think I'd be stupid not to be. As long as I stay focused on the task at hand, it doesn't matter how many processes I go through, as long as that focus never wavers, as long as I keep the end result in sight.
To give myself credit here, I think it took a certain amount of balls to stand up to my doctor, an alleged melanoma ex-spurt, and tell him that I wasn't going to do the treatment he'd decided on. I've looked outside the box and, for better or for worse, I'm doing it my way. And I'm not looking back, there are no 'what ifs'. This is what we're doing, on the offchance that it doesn't work, I have Plan B. That's as good as it gets, folks.
So...
Monday, 5:45, Rochester, Radiation Oncology Dept. Be there or be square.
posted by Heather at 10:12 AM
1 Comments:
Dear Heather,
There aren't enough adjectives to describe how impressed I am with how you are dealing with enormous piles of shit. I started to say challenges but I think I'll say shit, because that's what it is. I tend to give health care people the benefit of the doubt because they have tough jobs but they shouldn't have treated you like that, plain and simple. The fact that you know how important healthy anger is also impresses me. I hear a lot about not wasting energy on anger and to an extent that can be true. However, my mother who happened to have a degree in psychology as well as in social work always said that depression is often suppressed anger and that's what I think. Getting the adrenelin boost from anger is often what it takes to make it to the next thing.
Sorry this is so long but I can't end without thanking you for all of your support to me which blows me away given all you are facing.
As ever, Carver
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