Insert funny yet clever title here.
I'm tired folks.
The holiday weekend for me consisted of shopping to get the kids ready for school. It was pretty exhausting on top of having radiation. What a rat race...
The thing is, I was ambiguous about sending them to school this year. I was thinking that, if this was my last year, I'd want them home to have that time with them. I have so much to teach them that has nothing to do with school and homeschooling is very forgiving of illness. But there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that they might need to have their own lives away from me and cancer, so I allowed myself to be talked into the decision to register them this year.
I'm not sure yet if I regret it or not...
Anyway, today's the day. Clothes are bought and washed, hair is done, backpacks are packed and I'm ready to collapse in a heap after they leave. I am SO going to be taking a nap today.
Radiation is going okay. It's making me a bit tired. I saw the doctor last night and the pain I'm having in the treatment area isn't usual, but they think it's possibly inflammation. All in all they're pleased with how well I'm tolerating treatment. Today is day 7, so I guess I get x-rayed today too. Oh well, every little helps. They're keeping a pretty close eye on me and my favorite doctor was back from vacation yesterday, which made me happy. He's so cool and I feel completely safe and confident with him. That's important.
Jim and I still had shopping to do, so we dragged ourselves round the mall when we got back from Rochester.
I am beyond tired. I'm in that freaky little twighlight world you usually experience when you haven't slept for a few days. I'm mentally exhausted too, due to spending 5 hours on the phone yesterday trying to sort out David's school bus. It's not the actual transportation that had me so stressed, it was the sheer abject stupidity of the people I was dealing with. They WOULD NOT help me. They were so totally stupid. They'd ask for all my details, we'd talk for a few minutes and they'd ask for the details again. Like that.
I felt like the guy in the movie Falling Down. Sometimes it feels like some people exist only to irritate the hell out of you and fuck with you. They are so freaking dumb that they can't possibly serve any other purpose.
Idiots.
Nothing got resolved yesterday, but my son is getting on that bus if i have to step out in the road and force it to stop at my house.
My radiation oncologists are strongly urging me to call my medical oncologist and get set up for IL-2. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this with a baby at home and three kids in school. I don't have anyone to watch the baby while I'm in hospital or help with the kids. It's amazing how, when you get cancer, people say "if you need anything at all, let me know" then disappear off the face of the earth.
I guess I'll have to keep the kids out of school while I'm gone - another reason I wanted to homeschool this year. But I was pressured into putting them in school, because I'm the only one who sees the big picture around here. My poor kids.
Stress does horrible things to me. I know it sounds trivial to say that yesterday stressed me out to this point, but it's such a lot of work for me to get to and stay in the place I'm in right now, where I can cope with all of this, that outside influences stress me out and it has a knock-on effect for days after.
So... an hour or so after I started writing this and David is gone, the bus couldn't NOT stop for a strapping 6'2" highschool junior. He looked so handsome too... he's almost a man and seeing the kind of man he's going to be makes me so proud.
With everything that's happening to us, all of this CRAP, I know it's only going to serve to make him a stronger, more compassionate person. But I wish it wasn't happening. I wish my kids weren't facing this with me, but whatever happens to me, this period of their lives WILL shape them differently and probably for the better in a lot of ways. I have this feeling that I can help influence this; if they see me being strong, it sets an example of how I want them to live their lives. You don't have to have cancer to LIVE STRONG. I so want to be here to see them into adulthood.
Can wanting possibly be enough? If you want hard enough and are willing to do anything to make it happen?
I hope so.
Isobel got on the bus while ago too, she looked so brave standing out on the driveway alone waiting for the bus. She's so used to going to school with her big sister and now she's not only going to a new school, she's doing it alone.
Jessica just left, she's so nervous. Today is her first day of middle school. She'll be fine. She's one of those kids who gets on beautifully at school, loves academic work, makes friends easily and is totally her own person. Her teachers always adore her and she has this knack of becoming friends with the boys who are into sports, which is pretty cool. Maybe she'll go out for track again this year, last year her event was long jump and she did pretty well.
And mommy? Mommy can finally relax... It's just me and Jamie at home now and he's easy.
I just re-read this and it's sort of rambling, there's probably a point in there somewhere. In fact, I think I have it. Watching my kids going off to new schools where everything is unfamiliar and, from a child's perspective, a little scary reminds me that sometimes you have to do what you have to do no matter how scary it seems, or how badly you just want to pull the covers over your head and ignore it all.
I took inspiration from my children today... If they can go off into an unfamiliar world with a smile and a wave, despite everything that's going on with their mother, then I can certainly face the 'what next?'.
Right?
The holiday weekend for me consisted of shopping to get the kids ready for school. It was pretty exhausting on top of having radiation. What a rat race...
The thing is, I was ambiguous about sending them to school this year. I was thinking that, if this was my last year, I'd want them home to have that time with them. I have so much to teach them that has nothing to do with school and homeschooling is very forgiving of illness. But there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that they might need to have their own lives away from me and cancer, so I allowed myself to be talked into the decision to register them this year.
I'm not sure yet if I regret it or not...
Anyway, today's the day. Clothes are bought and washed, hair is done, backpacks are packed and I'm ready to collapse in a heap after they leave. I am SO going to be taking a nap today.
Radiation is going okay. It's making me a bit tired. I saw the doctor last night and the pain I'm having in the treatment area isn't usual, but they think it's possibly inflammation. All in all they're pleased with how well I'm tolerating treatment. Today is day 7, so I guess I get x-rayed today too. Oh well, every little helps. They're keeping a pretty close eye on me and my favorite doctor was back from vacation yesterday, which made me happy. He's so cool and I feel completely safe and confident with him. That's important.
Jim and I still had shopping to do, so we dragged ourselves round the mall when we got back from Rochester.
I am beyond tired. I'm in that freaky little twighlight world you usually experience when you haven't slept for a few days. I'm mentally exhausted too, due to spending 5 hours on the phone yesterday trying to sort out David's school bus. It's not the actual transportation that had me so stressed, it was the sheer abject stupidity of the people I was dealing with. They WOULD NOT help me. They were so totally stupid. They'd ask for all my details, we'd talk for a few minutes and they'd ask for the details again. Like that.
I felt like the guy in the movie Falling Down. Sometimes it feels like some people exist only to irritate the hell out of you and fuck with you. They are so freaking dumb that they can't possibly serve any other purpose.
Idiots.
Nothing got resolved yesterday, but my son is getting on that bus if i have to step out in the road and force it to stop at my house.
My radiation oncologists are strongly urging me to call my medical oncologist and get set up for IL-2. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this with a baby at home and three kids in school. I don't have anyone to watch the baby while I'm in hospital or help with the kids. It's amazing how, when you get cancer, people say "if you need anything at all, let me know" then disappear off the face of the earth.
I guess I'll have to keep the kids out of school while I'm gone - another reason I wanted to homeschool this year. But I was pressured into putting them in school, because I'm the only one who sees the big picture around here. My poor kids.
Stress does horrible things to me. I know it sounds trivial to say that yesterday stressed me out to this point, but it's such a lot of work for me to get to and stay in the place I'm in right now, where I can cope with all of this, that outside influences stress me out and it has a knock-on effect for days after.
So... an hour or so after I started writing this and David is gone, the bus couldn't NOT stop for a strapping 6'2" highschool junior. He looked so handsome too... he's almost a man and seeing the kind of man he's going to be makes me so proud.
With everything that's happening to us, all of this CRAP, I know it's only going to serve to make him a stronger, more compassionate person. But I wish it wasn't happening. I wish my kids weren't facing this with me, but whatever happens to me, this period of their lives WILL shape them differently and probably for the better in a lot of ways. I have this feeling that I can help influence this; if they see me being strong, it sets an example of how I want them to live their lives. You don't have to have cancer to LIVE STRONG. I so want to be here to see them into adulthood.
Can wanting possibly be enough? If you want hard enough and are willing to do anything to make it happen?
I hope so.
Isobel got on the bus while ago too, she looked so brave standing out on the driveway alone waiting for the bus. She's so used to going to school with her big sister and now she's not only going to a new school, she's doing it alone.
Jessica just left, she's so nervous. Today is her first day of middle school. She'll be fine. She's one of those kids who gets on beautifully at school, loves academic work, makes friends easily and is totally her own person. Her teachers always adore her and she has this knack of becoming friends with the boys who are into sports, which is pretty cool. Maybe she'll go out for track again this year, last year her event was long jump and she did pretty well.
And mommy? Mommy can finally relax... It's just me and Jamie at home now and he's easy.
I just re-read this and it's sort of rambling, there's probably a point in there somewhere. In fact, I think I have it. Watching my kids going off to new schools where everything is unfamiliar and, from a child's perspective, a little scary reminds me that sometimes you have to do what you have to do no matter how scary it seems, or how badly you just want to pull the covers over your head and ignore it all.
I took inspiration from my children today... If they can go off into an unfamiliar world with a smile and a wave, despite everything that's going on with their mother, then I can certainly face the 'what next?'.
Right?
posted by Heather at 5:01 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Heather,
I'm sure I've said this before but there just aren't the adjectives to describe you. Extra super strong woman doesn't even get it. You also didn't sound rambling to me. You sounded very coherent as you juggle so many huge life altering events and keep getting through to the next thing. Unbelievable. My heart, thoughts, prayers, and all that jazz remain with you. I hope you can get some naps in there while your baby naps. As ever, Carver
No, not rambling at all. Beautifully eloquent.
You have too much to think about, why can't the mudane stresses of everyday just disappear so you can focus on what is really important?!
Your children sound wonderful and it obvious you are so proud and take much strength from them.
One day at a time. You can do this.
Post a Comment
<< Home