There ain't enough coffee in the world...

I'm knackered.

I fell asleep at 9 last night and woke up at 7.30 this morning. And now a couple of hours later and I'm knackered. It must be the radiation.

I was having some pain last night too, in the area of my liver, I'm thinking it was my good cells that may have got a dose of rads mending themselves or something. I really hope we didn't just piss mel off...

Something I forgot to mention before is that when I saw the doctor last week, she told me that, looking at the CT they did for my treatment preperation, the MOALT hadn't changed or grown in the month or so since my scans. I was surprised because it had grown almost 2cm in the three months previously... Maybe that last huge round of Temodar had some effect, or maybe my immune system kicked in somewhat from my diet changes. I know it doesn't really mean anything when you're talking about an 11cm tumor - or maybe it means a lot given how fast growing and aggressive it is. It did feel like a very tiny victory.

I just wanted to say to Lee, regarding the comment you left, what you're doing sounds cool and I'd love to be part of it, thanks. You can email me by clicking on the about me link to the right.

And to Carver, I read the article The Challenge Of The Positive Attitude you linked to on your blog and found myself nodding in agreement as I read.

I like to call it the tyranny of positive thinking. It seems to me that the pressure we place on ourselves to be positive sometimes feels like it can be more damaging than helpful. Repressing our emotions can't be a good thing. I so relate to everything you said to me in your comment.

Like I'm fond of saying; unfortunately, I didn't suddenly become Mother Theresa when I got cancer.

There was no striking moment of clarity, no bright light and choirs of Angels singing in the background. No joy at the 'gift' I had been given, or the 'lesson' I was to learn from it. Just this soul-wrenching, heart-stopping, heartbreaking, endless moment of utter terror, followed by tears, anger and finally a girding of the loins, a gritting of teeth and the realisation that this is the burden I have been handed so I'd better find a way to deal with it.

I'm still working on that part.



This quote from the article pretty much sums it up for me...

"Is There a Difference Between Optimism (Positive Attitude) and Hope?

Jerome Groopman, M.D., author of The Anatomy of Hope, elaborates on the above idea by explaining that a positive attitude or optimism is the thought that “Everything is going to turn out for the best.” But life isn’t like that. Sometimes bad things happen to wonderful people. Hope, in contrast, does not make that assumption, but rather, in a clear-eyed manner, assesses all the problems, challenges, or obstacles, and through information and education seeks and finds a possible realistic path to a better future. This future is often unknown and unknowable but is constantly re-assessed based upon new information. A person with true hope will experience a wide range of emotions including fear, anger and sadness and through it all will try to move forward through all the difficulties."