Tough times don't last. Tough people do.
I just like that saying.
It doesn't mean that if you're tough, cancer won't kill you though. Because there's nothing you can do about that. It's more like, even with things you can't change, how you react to events is the key.
Back when I was diagnosed with cancer, I reacted badly, especially when I realised that I was stage III. Looking back, do I think I'd have advanced had I reacted differently? Probably. But would I be in the situation I find myself in now if I'd have done my homework, changed doctors and insisted on scans back then? I don't know...
I can't beat myself up about it. I was let down badly by my doctor. Yes, we should take a certain amount of responsibility for our own care. But I don't think I was really the one who dropped the ball here.
And now we have the MOALT to deal with.
It struck me yesterday that I'm actually quite lucky. I read of the passing of another melanoma patient and it was shockingly fast. Within a couple of months of advancing to stage IV.
I think I was stage IV all along, given the size of this tumor. And the mets seem to (so far) all be confined to the same area. I by no means feel that melanoma is out of control in me. And for that I am thankful. I've read accounts of people in whom it has advanced and advanced ruthlessly in spite of treatment. I'm not saying that it won't happen to me eventually or even soon, but I don't feel like it will at this point.
I haven't been responding to death notices lately. I just can't handle it. I'm too scared of it myself right now and don't want to think about it. I hope people understand and don't just think I'm callous and uncaring. Every loss hits me hard, especially those who leave behind young children, I have to distance myself from that right now for my own survival. I need to keep my defences up and stay pissed off. If I allow the sadness to creep in, it's very hard for me to shake off.
Selfish, I know. But I'm the only me I have. I'm the only mommy my kids have and I can't function with fear and sadness ruling my head. I have to shut it out.
I can't shut out my emotions when I write. Writers train themselves to tap into their emotions and experiences, it's not something I can switch off, unfortunately...
Not that I've been writing much lately... Just my blog and a few smartass remarks on Arfcom. Truth be known I'm a bit scared of what might come out if I really tap into that emotional bottomless pit right now. I tried to write a letter to my aunt the other day. I printed it out and it read like a nightmare. I threw it away and tried again without digging too deep. I ended up sounding glib and shallow, so I tore that one up too. I think I'll settle for a card.
We went back to school shopping yesterday.
O.M.G.
Office Depot is usually really easy. Usually. Yesterday I was terrorised by a family from India (I think). Everywhere I was they wanted to be - and there were about 16 of them. They brought the whole family, including granny, to go shopping for school supplies. All talking at the top of their voices in whatever language it was they were speaking. They'd stop to look at pens and the whole family would range along the aisle making it impossible for anyone else to see anything.
On of the kids a young teenage boy, sort of accosted me as I was wheeling my cart along. He grabbed my cart and slammed into a display. I looked at him in shock, then realised that the mother had seen it. She looked at me, but didn't say anything to either me or him, it was a sort of "what's your problem?" look. No sorry, kiss my arse, nothing.
Lovely.
I couldn't even give the woman the verbal smackdown because she didn't appear to speak English. Sheesh...
Yep. I'm still pissed off. About everything.
It feels good.
posted by Heather at 7:38 AM
2 Comments:
We had some posters like that where I used to work, and I was close to the one which said tough times don't last. Made me smile.
I often like to think that my own melanoma is being held back and isn't being a pain because I'm meant to be here, and with that time I write about it to make a difference with the chance I have, to inform people, just like you are doing.
I'm in the process of setting up a microsite which brings together bloggers who are bloging about Melanoma, hopefully with the aim of bringing more blogs to a wider audience. Would you mind if I add your blog to the list? The site is offline at the moment as I only set it up today, hopefully we can get more readers to your posts.
Hi Heather,
Both of your posts which I read today reminded me of an article which I liked and have now added to the end of my blog's link list. One line from that article on a study about attitude in cancer patients sums it up, "Researchers are now realizing that people cope with stress in vastly different ways. Individuals need to identify solutions that match their natural temperament and personality. "
The point of the article was about how studies do not show that "Positive" attitude improves a cancer patients prognosis although it can improved quality of life. However, the biggest thing is just because we are cancer patients it doesn't mean we'll have some big personality change and go from being nurse ratched to mary poppins. I found that comforting because lets just say, I am not Mary Poppins and it takes a hell of a lot more than a spoon full of sugar for me.
Your blog is so healthy in my opinion. I may have already mentioned this but I've been told and believe that depression is often repressed anger. What keeps me from being depressed is to allow myself justifiable anger. As the saying on my coffee mug puts it: "stress is caused by the confusion created when one's mind over-rides the body's basic desire to choke the hell out of someone who desperately deserves it". I don't actually choke people but I do allow myself that brief image of what it would feel like to do it in certain cases.
Hang in there, Carver
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