TFI Friday!

What a week!

I am so looking forward to the weekend to recharge a little. Jim and I have accepted the sad fact that my car is dead and that we're going to have to buy another one. Notice I didn't say new. In spite of being pretty broke at the moment, we got an unexpected tax return check last week, which we've decided to put to use and change my vehicularly challenged status. I have my eye on a nice little minivan. No, I'm not a soccer mom, I just have a whole bunch of kids. Besides, a minivan is good for transporting rifles to the range in too...

I didn't fare so badly after treatment yesterday and still don't really have any of the side effects they told me I'd get. I was saying to Jim on the way home about the oncology social worker we'd spoken to before treatment started, who'd told me that having the abdomen radiated was going to be so much more awful than being on Temodar and that there was no way I'd be able to handle driving myself to the appointments. I'm here to tell you that in no way is radiation worse than chemo. No freaking way. I hope I see her again.

The school thing is looking promising. The kids love their new schools. They came from a school district that has an excellent reputation (as does this district) and is quite small, with small class sizes, etc... This district is bigger, I think it has the advantage of having more resources. David was able to get all the courses he wanted (aside from AP Psychology, which they don't offer), as opposed to his last school where at least one of them was full. He's considering doing the prep for AP Psych on his own and taking the exam independently.



I had a bit of a fight with Jim last night. He's tired and stressed too... I hate fighting with him, I love him so much and he's so good to me. Just sometimes he gets this stubborn head on which infuriates me and I push back, which never ends well. Two strong personalities in one house is bound to cause some sparks sometimes.

It's not all peace, love and transcendental serendipity when you have cancer. You don't suddenly become this holy, serene, saint-like creature just because you have this. You're still human and still capable of feeling everything that humans feel. You're not obligated to "rise above" the things that irritate you. You can scream back if you want.

It's like this: Cancer gives you a different perspective. You find that there are things that used to matter, that now don't matter. People in your life who used to irritate you, who now cannot. And of course, the are the thoroughly toxic people who you ruthlessly cut out of your life because dealing with them isn't worth the headache, or the energy it takes to not let them get to you.



BUT...

There are going to be things that still irritate you. Things you want to have a little rant about. And that's fine. Dealing with cancer is probably one of the most stressful things that can happen to a person and everyone has to find their own way of dealing with it. For some, serenity works well, for others it doesn't. Apparently, I'm not good at serene.

One thing cancer makes you realise is how strong you really are. It's quite surprising, the resilience of the human spirit. Our ability to adapt and fight back on an ever-changing battlefield.

I said in an earlier post that I want to do this with grace and dignity and set an example for my children. I think I'm achieving that in spite of my recent anger. Most of my screaming was in my head. Outside of this blog, I was strong and incredibly sweet to my loved ones, I loved them as hard as I could every second of every day.

My fellow man was a different story. Heh.