I guess you just never know
A lady went missing very close to here on Friday. She sent her kids to school and went for a run. The first time people realised she was gone was when she didn't pick up her 2 year old from pre-school. Now there are four children without a mother... I can't tell you how sad this has made me.
The thing is, she didn't know when she put the kids on the bus and took the baby to pre-school that she wouldn't ever see them again. She was just out there living her life and some asshole took it away from her.
It's a shock, because it's the sort of community where people don't always feel like they need to lock their doors at night, etc... I guess nowhere is safe nowadays.
We used to live very close to the bike path she was running on, it always gave me the heebie-jeebies because it's so isolated. I've often wanted to take the baby for a walk along there, but wouldn't do it without a pistol, in the end, I just never did.
As far as I know right now, they haven't found her yet.
What this did to/for me was this; it made me realise just how finite life is anyway.
As you (my two readers) know, my greatest fear is that of leaving my children. Cancer forces me to live with that fear every single day. But I have this TIME. That lady never got this. She was just taken.
Me? I have time to make everything right for my kids. To put things in place that will - hopefully - lessen their devastation when I do leave.
TIME.
I have the time to let everyone know how much I love them every second of every day. It's really not to be dismissed.
On TV, I once heard someone say that if they were going to die, they'd rather die from cancer than suddenly because it would mean that they had TIME to put things right. (I think it was CSI) I remember watching that and thinking that it must have been written by someone who had lost someone to cancer. I could relate, but was still terrified of leaving my kids.
The terror is lessening now.
I have a long way to go yet, with melanoma, but this is something that's never far from my thoughts - nor should it be. Because if I forget about it, I'm not using my TIME to the fullest capacity. Am I?
The trick here, I think, is to be aware of this and use my TIME for everything positive that I can. Then, if I don't die too soon, we'll have had nothing but lovely positive moments with more to come. But if I do die, my family will know - really KNOW - how much I loved them.
Treatment-wise, I'm sort of stuck right now. I haven't started IL-2 yet, I wanted to recover from the radiation first. Now I'm thinking that I'll get my usual scans very soon and see what's going on in there. If there's anything new, or if I'm stable, etc.
If everything is more or less stable, what I want to do is this; I want to resect the spleen (if there's anything left in there) and the three subcutaneous tumors (I think at least two of them are dead anyway, they seem to be shrinking away and the one that isn't dead isn't growing). Then, wait for the three-month scan of my liver to see what the radiation did. If we have stability or shrinkage, then I'm going to push for SRS of the remaining three small liver mets.
If there's anything new, then I'll do IL-2.
I'm also going to get a brain scan to rule out brain mets. Because that changes everything.
One thing I DO notice since the liver radiation is that the breathless feeling I would get (which we assumed was the tumor compressing the inferior vena cava), has gone.
So... hope and pray for nothing new and that I can find my way through this by doing it MY WAY. If not, then I take that next step. The thing about melanoma is that it's all a crap shoot anyway. If I do chemo, there's a fair chance that something would still come up, so it makes sense to me not to rush into anything at this point until I see what the rads did to my liver.
posted by Heather at 6:52 AM
5 Comments:
Heather, it's your life and your cancer. How could you manage it in any manner other than your way? Your plan to allow your body to recover and check scans before committing to the next strategy makes great sense. One of your doctors you trust - your radiologist perhaps - might make a great sounding board. I hope and believe that the sub q shrinkage and absence of liver met symptom are incredibly encouraging signs. I am impressed and inspired by your determination to create loving memories for your family every day. Maybe that's an added treatment to which your body is responding...Marilyn
I couldn't agree more with everything you said about the children and making the best of time. I have 3 young girls and my dx brought absolute terror about leaving them. Gradually I am learning to make every second count and appreciate having this time now. I'm still trying to make sense of my thoughts and feelings though and its nice to read how you put stuff. It kind of explains my feelings to me. Does that make sense?? Lol you're probably wondering what the heck I'm on about. Thank you is what I'm saying :o).
I think you are being very wise about your treatment decisions.
Dear Heather,
I think your way makes all the sense in the world. I have been blown away by your clarity of thought through all your treatments and responsibilites. Your children are so lucky to have you for a mother. I think it would be so hard not to be paralyzed by the worries for your children and yet you are able to make the present work for them. I hope and pray that your treatments in combination with your enormous resilience and strength will knock the MOLT and others right out of the ball park. As ever, Carver
PS the artwork in this entry was very powerful.
Heather,
I have to agree (again) with carver. Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself with this monkey on my back. I get angry knowing it will never go away. But time passes and the monkey gets off for awhile, I guess to get a drink or a banana, and things are okay. My priorities have changed and I cherish everyday as much as I can without letting it seem like the last. Having young kids is the hardest part of this. I cannot bare the fact that I may have to leave them motherless. My kids are 5 and 4 and they need me! Anyway-thanks again for helping make this monkey a little lighter.
Heather, It doesn't matter the type passing, I have had both. My father very quick and full of mystery(he dissappered and was found dead after 36 hours) and my mother battled breast/brain cancer for almost three years. It was the living before that mattered the most to me.
My father lived with a passion and noone had a chance to say goodbye. My mother had the time to say goodbye and choose not to. The ones who love her the most were not thought of by her at that time.
So live the moment with your children and let them know in the simplest terms that you love them and will always love them, even when they are almost 50. Because that is all we truly want... is to be loved by our moms.
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