I've met the funniest people recently...

I don't know what it is, but you often meet the strangest people in cancer centers. I've noticed it more recently lately because I've been going there so much. In fact, it was Jim who pointed it out to me first... we were sitting outside in the car one day and he mentioned it. I told him that maybe because they have cancer, they feel like they don't care anymore about what people think. But it wasn't that. I looked around and saw what he meant. Some people are just funny.

I guess it's just like anywhere else. People are people, you know...? I'm not being mean, just sharing that thought. Maybe I'm one of them. Heh.

To me it's like this; I have melanoma. It's easily one of the most aggressive cancers out there (yes, it is). I have this freaking 11cm tumor in my liver - not to mention the smaller ones that we haven't treated yet - not to mention anything new that I know nothing of yet. What a thought. I'm pretty freaking sick, people. There, I admitted it.

Do I walk around acting like I'm sick? No... of course I don't. I WANT to be well. I'm not well, but I want nothing more than to feel like the old me again.

What I've noticed about some people is that they ACT sick... I don't mean to sound horrible, but they do. And some people who are REALLY sick, you'd never know. I've met people who think that they're the only ones with cancer. I've met people who smile nicely even though they know they're dying. I've met People who are having radiation for stage I breast cancer who think they're sicker than I am because I just smile nicely, am able to find humor in most things and still have my hair (at this point anyway).

You know... when I did that four months of chemo, it wasn't exactly a picnic. I felt like Hell for the week that I was on and it took most of the second week before I felt "normal" again. Normal being nothing like normal really is. I puked at times, had nausea, a horrible smell that I couldn't get rid of, my feet burned and I couldn't sleep. Did I complain? Not really. I just did it. That's four months of chemo, folks. It sucked, but I made it work. I still (sort of) cleaned my house, I still drove my kids to school, I did everything I could possibly do to make sure that I was still me.

Because for me, still feeling like myself was what got me through. It was the same with the radiation. I did it by being ME. I never went to an appointment looking like crap, even though sometimes I wanted to, especially at the end. But that's my survival face. Put on the mascara and lipgloss, do your hair, and GO FOR IT.

Put your face on and kick melanoma's arse out of the park.

To me, the psychological defeat of 'giving in' is unacceptable.

I'm not saying that it has to be that way for anyone else, it's just MY way. It's my way of letting mel know that I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me.

And it won't.

I mean, yeah, it might just kill me, things aren't looking fabulous for me at this point. But it will never HAVE me.

Never.

I've spent a lot of time recently just laying around, sleeping and thinking. I think I'm finally gaining some perspective on my situation. I have to tell you, forget the treatment and everything else, it's that perspective which is the hardest part to deal with.

But you need it. It's not like I've stopped fighting, or ever will as long as I have breath in my body. But I am finding peace.

Finally.